I don’t think the term mixed emotions suits the situation. Conflicting emotions. Combating emotions. Anytime I feel like I have a solid foundation on the matter, the soil begins to sink and I am once again left treading water.

Regardless of any conflicting emotion, Nathan and I are joyful and thankful as we announce the NEW BABY we are expecting in July! Hallelujah! God is Good! (And always was) We are so grateful.

I have only shared this story with a few close friends, but weeks after Eden died I was sitting in her nursery, rocking in the rocking chair, thinking of how I was supposed to treat her room. A shrine? Holy Ground? Forbidden Territory? Pack it up? Leave it as it is? For a while we made sure the door remained closed, we were desperate to preserve her scent. That new baby smell that is so unique and SO precious. As I aimlessly considered all the options, I suddenly felt a strong presence. I was given a peace, and reassurance that I didn’t need to do a thing in that room. That God would give me another baby to fill that space. I felt a calm and acceptance that I could once again have confidence in that tainted space, confidence in myself and confidence in God once again. Not that I would receive that feeling immediately, but that it was possible.

Meanwhile, Nathan felt a strong desire to have another baby, some day. Having a third baby was a stretch for us (me) to begin with. We both came from families with only 2 kids, so no one was expecting Eden when we made the announcement last year. When Eden popped out I was eager to shut down the factory. Hang up my boots. Retire my uterus. I was SO done being pregnant. Our babies were only one year apart. Right now I am half way into my FOURTH pregnancy and our oldest is only 3 and a half. All that being said, Nate knew I was happy to be done bearing children. And as every good man should know, he could never convince me to do otherwise when my mind was made up on such a personal matter, which is why he kept that desire hidden. He knew only God could convince me.

When I told him about my epiphany on the rocking chair he was thrilled. Relieved, excited and for the first time, hopeful. Thank God, we were on the same page. Sobriety, sciatica, sore hips and sickness were all back on the table, and I couldn’t be more keen. Bringing life into this world after experiencing a death is nothing less than a privilege. We feel honoured to be given this opportunity.

Now, to the struggle. As you can imagine, at the end of the day I just want Eden back. And if I could have my way, I would be raising all four of my children. But I don’t have that option. The path we chose was to welcome another life into our home. It will be different, and it will be sad. I guess the biggest thing I am repeatedly learning is that opposing feelings can coexist. Ultimately, I am finding confidence in the fact that restoration and ruin can live in harmony. Creation and devastation somehow take up my whole heart. I can’t possibly resolve my shattered heart- not even with a new baby. It’s a tough concept to convey, but in some way the grief around Eden, and excitement around our new baby can indeed coexist. One does not have to be resolved for the other to exist.

My fear was that no one would understand that. Like I mentioned last week, dare I share any positive insight, people will think everything is better. When in fact nothing is resolved. How could I share with the world something so exciting and joyful and have it not take away from the significance of my current state of mourning? How?! I was so worried that my friends and family would just cling to the good news of new life and forget all about Eden. If I were to show excitement, Eden would be forgotten. If I were to show sadness, new baby would be dishonored. I couldn’t win!

Notice I haven’t used the term ‘replace’. I was dreading the moments where people would inevitably say, “well, this won’t replace Eden, but…” It is what I knew people would say, and I want to stop you ALL from saying it before you do. Yes, it is true, and no it isn’t helpful. Even stating it as something impossible still rubs me the wrong way. (This wont replace her) ‘Replacing’ is so so so so obviously not an option when you are the mother of a deceased baby. It is for some reason hurtful to even suggest that bit of “helpful information”. FYI- Had I not gone through this I 100% would have said it myself to a mother in a similar situation. And who knows, maybe other moms wouldn’t be as annoyed.

I often go back to the comparison (I don’t know if it’s a good one) of a widow. Had I lost Nathan instead of Eden, and years later I announce an engagement – could you imagine someone responding with, “well it won’t bring Nathan back…” Yeah, obviously!!! Lol. Again, I don’t know if that is a fair comparison, but it seems to work. And as young widow begins to slowly open her heart to love again, you can imagine the conflicting emotion. Sure, you can fall in love again, even become happily married again, but had you not gone through unspeakable loss this blessing wouldn’t be possible. There will always be that sting. But what a gift. To be offered love again, for me, in the form of a baby.

So, there you have it. For all of those who were too shy to ask, yes- I am very pregnant. And yes, we are overjoyed, and yes we are still brokenhearted.

Baby #4 Due July 3 2019- We cannot wait to hold you, precious one.