We Have Found Ways to Make Death Entertaining, But Have We Learned to Make It Meaningful? I’ve had these thoughts and ponderings year after year since Eden died, as soon as spooky season comes around. At first, I thought I was just sensitive. Nothing new there. I would see creepy mannequins of the little girl…
Author: brittanyjade25
Temporary citizen of the world.
Mother of three daughters. Two in my arms, one in The Father's arm's.
Cherry Blossom Love
And just like that, we stumbled, we bravely charged, we dragged our bodies, and ultimately we survived an impossible 5 years. I like to think God innately created us toa) make sense of the things around us and b) find connection as we move through life. Infant loss has made these 2 things nearly impossible….
Man of Sorrow
It has been over a year since I have blogged. I have been continuing to write but anytime I think to write in blog form for the “world” to see, I hold back. Unlike most people in my circles, I am heavily immersed in grief culture. Books, interactive journals, podcasts, forums etc. My finger has…
Eden’s Well – Living water will flow
When I was first inspired to write about my loss, it was with the hopes of building a proverbial bridge. I wanted to open myself up so I didn’t feel so alone. Well meaning condolences were uttered now and then leaving me feeling so very misunderstood, writing helped me feel unified. I haven’t written in…
The 95 day threshold
Sometimes we say things only because they sound right. I’ve said, “Now that Marigold is here, I couldn’t imagine losing her!” But that is just not true. I can imagine. And I do every day. Tonight I had a bath with Marigold, Nathan put on her jammies and I fed her as we rocked in…
Life is.
August 3rd last year was the Friday before a long weekend. From nearly every corner of this continent my friends and family gathered to grieve with me and support me. Texas, Carolina, Saskatchewan, Alberta, Kelowna + Kamloops… Friends left behind families of 5 on a long weekend, or canceled and rearranged flight plans just to…
Crown of Life
Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12 It’s hard to believe that one year ago today I only had 2 days left with Eden. A pathetic 48 hours rather…
Three gifts Eden has given me
Day 4 in our pilgrimage. One year after we introduced Eden to this world, we are left to retrace our steps- a pilgrimage through the 95 days of the year where we had all of our babies safe in our arms. Both blessing and curse, I wake up with reminders through Google photos on my…
Third Day
I haven’t written much since Christmas. The winter, as I anticipated, was harsh. I felt alone, and confused, the nights are long and my patience short. Although fresh fronds, shoots and buds have awoken as the rest of this hemisphere ushers in spring, I find I am still braving the cold. Springtime song-birds sing their…
Evidence of Eden
Shortly after Eden passed, and I was starting to merge my way back into the real world, I recall wishing for some kind of visual indication that I was in mourning. Historically, bereaved men and women would wear a black arm band to signify their recent loss. I think this is brilliant. Whether you like…
Ruin & Restoration
I don’t think the term mixed emotions suits the situation. Conflicting emotions. Combating emotions. Anytime I feel like I have a solid foundation on the matter, the soil begins to sink and I am once again left treading water. Regardless of any conflicting emotion, Nathan and I are joyful and thankful as we announce the…
The Brokenhearted Territory
At some point in our lives we will all experience heart break or loss. Though our losses are different, we are able to recognize them in each other. We may speak from different landscapes of the shattered heart, but we can still aim to bless each other from that shared territory. The brokenhearted territory. How…
Our Love Story
I wrote a book for our daughter Aspen, when she was first born. I even got it printed for her. I wanted a little story for her to read one day about how her mommy and daddy met, fell in love, and started a little family. Enjoy. Mommy and Daddy fell in Love with the…
Perfectly in Process
As I write this scentence, Eden would be turning 9 months old. It is the same week my niece turns one year old. It makes me sad to think that she will never know her intended best friend and cousin. Last week I saw a little girl, roughly 9 months old at church. I had…
Two World’s
New Years hit me hard. I have been in a fog for a few weeks, unable to make sense of the mess of emotions that go on in my mind. My family got me into a writing class for those dealing with grief. All of my creative juices have been channeled into that course since…
So this is Christmas
Yes, the blurry photo is intentional. Everyone warned me that Christmas is difficult. Those who have lost a parent or spouse, experiencing their first ever Christmas without their loved one – always seemed like more of the typical holiday grief. I never had a Christmas with Eden. I never had a lot of things with…
Honour
Putting on a brave face, isn’t brave. It’s acting. I am slowly noticing that it takes an extraordinary amount of vulnerability and bravery for me to show my real emotions. I am used to hearing the word brave referenced when someone denies their feelings, “staying strong.” “Holding it together”. I couldn’t disagree more. That, for…
Eden’s Memorial
On August 3rd, 2018 we had Eden Alexandria’s Celebration of Life. It was held at Northview Community Church in Abbotsford BC, Canada. It only seemed suitable that I would deliver the eulogy. She was only 3 months after all. No one knew her better. When I walked into that sanctuary that day, everything became real,…
Grief 101
Again I feel as if I cannot take credit for any concepts in this post. (Or the once youthful cliff jumping body I used to have) Although I have had many of these thoughts prior to reading about them, the validation behind them is from the research and experience of another. I was told about…
It doesn’t just go away
There will come a time You see, when love will not Break your heart But dismiss your fears Get over your hill and see What you find there With grace in your heart And flowers in your hair. -After the storm by Mumford and Sons I feel like this post is a rant. I…
Places you have come to fear the most
I have kept a journal since I was 13. My first journal was a 3-ring binder that I duct taped the outside of, then wrote BRITT in block letters on the cover. I would write a full loose-leaf page or two every day of grade 9. It is beyond embarrassing to read back on those…
First Man
Nathan and I haven’t been to a movie in years. The lifestyle of uncomfortable pregnancies, newborns, and chasing toddlers doesn’t lend itself to finding the time or energy to put on pants and go out after 8pm. Telus had a promotion about two years ago where we received two free movies passes. We finally used…
Disjointed
I did not feel like writing this week. The next 10 paragraphs are completely disjointed. The absence of flow in this entry could be symbolic. I am all over the place this week. Constantly feeling conflicting emotions. So forgive me for the following fragments of thought. We had to acknowledge what would have been Eden’s…
The Valley of the Shadow of Death
Sometimes I will be talking to Nate, and he will say, “that’s a good thought, write that down!!” Content for this blog often comes from conversations Nathan and I have. People close to us ask how we are doing in all of this. Statistics for divorce in marriages that face the loss of a child…
Like Sea Billows Roll
A little information for those who do not know my story. Eden is my third daughter, she peacefully slipped away on July 29th 2018. Nathan and I put her to bed, happy and healthy the night before, and at some point, in her regular 5 hour stretch, Jesus took her home. She wasn’t sick. I…
The Fine Art of Scraping By
I always knew I would start a blog someday. Fun themes like, navigating life with three daughters under 3 years old. I had dreams of including cute photos of my girls as they grow up, fun recipes for busy moms, tips on gardening, journaling, maybe home renos or marriage. But not this. Anything but this.
Ring of Fire
“When the child you love leaves this world, the grief process is like pregnancy in reverse. You begin at the ring of fire and you move backward. You don’t work up to the worst–you start there, gripped by spasms of agony so fierce you cry out horrifically and come physically undone.” Levi Lusko – Through…
