When I was first inspired to write about my loss, it was with the hopes of building a proverbial bridge. I wanted to open myself up so I didn’t feel so alone. Well meaning condolences were uttered now and then leaving me feeling so very misunderstood, writing helped me feel unified. I haven’t written in some time now, I keep trying, but I find there are aspect of this journey that I just don’t want to share. I still feel alone, and I still feel misunderstood, but maybe that is okay. Maybe this is just the nature of grief. Maybe that’s my teacher.

There is a wonderful Foundation called Charlene Reaveley that supports families who have lost a child. www.crccs.ca A good chunk of my counselling has been covered by this foundation. They are truly remarkable. I received a call earlier this month from them regarding a Christmas toy drive. After a few minutes of awkward conversation that didn’t seem to go anywhere I realized they wanted to give US donated toys for Aspen and Cambria. Usually when I get a call regarding donations, I assume I am the one giving not receiving. I kept asking where they want me to drop them off, eventually she realized I wasn’t understanding her offer.

Last Sunday we came home to an exciting toy delivery at our front door! They left us three big brightly wrapped boxes and an elaborately wrapped bike!! Nathan and I just wept. We were so touched. Earlier in the week I felt so foolish for being on the receiving end of this toy drive. Our kids don’t need much, and we can afford to get what they need, unlike some families around the holidays. But when we got these over-the-top presents delivered to our door, I felt worthy for the first time in a long time.

It felt SO good to be acknowledged. Someone we don’t even know had my family on their radar and, by offering us gifts said “We remember. We get it.  You deserve to be acknowledged.”  Even though we can afford to buy our kids gifts, we are happily accepting them for what the represent. My kids lost their sister. They aren’t like every child out there. They watched their mom cry and withdraw and battle and break. Long after sympathy cards in the mails, and warm meals sent to our door, our grief still remains. Seventeen months later to receive acknowledgment like it happened yesterday, is so very appreciated and dare I say, needed. Because in many ways it did just happen yesterday. Vulnerable places in my heart still exist like an exposed nerve, and today I pray those never go away. I will carry the heaviness, because that is love. Along with that, I pray that forever heaviness can be acknowledged and honored by others for years to come too!

I opened myself up, as you well know if you have followed along since the beginning, and I have no regrets. I am so grateful for my ability to convey those feelings at the time. Reading back helps me in my current state of grieving. I know many have been inspired by our story, and even educated in how to respond to a loved one in crisis. But lately I feel like hiding. Like I alluded to above, I feel there is no more space for a grieving mom now that the shock has warn off. Feeling more misunderstood than ever I find myself being more ok with that. My relationship with Eden since her passing, has become sacred in the last several months. I don’t have the desire to share my journey for fear it would become less special. For those who know me, I’ve never held my cards close to my chest. If anything, I am an over sharer. No one is ever wondering what I am think because I have already blurted it out loud.   (working on that)

There is however, something in particular that I have been keeping to myself that I have decided to share. Mostly because I am SO proud to be a part of it.  In Spring I was presented with some paperwork that my friends had been scheming to put together ever since I wrote the blog post “Evidence of Eden.” My friend from High School Tara felt the urge to create physical Earthly evidence of my daughter. Together with my friends Victoria and Jennifer they raised enough money to build a well in Uganda. The people who gave their money ranged from dear friends I met in high school to people I may have had one class with and a handful of conversations with over 15 years ago. I was so blown away by their willingness and generosity and acknowledgment!

The representative of the John 4:14 Foundation contacted me and suggested I spend the money raised on rehabilitating a well instead of building a new one. It wasn’t as exciting and glamorous but there was a need. I later found out since the cost was significantly lower to restore a non-functioning well we could actually rehab two of them, in two different locations.  There was something more satisfying to me about the imagery surrounding restoring a well that had run dry. What a beautiful way to honour and remember Eden. Restoring a life spring.  Although the morning we lost her, I wanted the Earth to open up and swallow me whole, there has been source of refreshing, life giving water in this abrupt detour of my life’s journey. Death has brought me to my knees, reminding me that my Saviour isn’t merely desired, instead it’s like life giving water. It is essential!

You will understand when you see the photos below, why I couldn’t hold this to myself any longer. There is just something about Eden’s legacy being used in this way that makes me so proud and so inspired.

Because of Eden’s Well, these beautiful people will no longer have to walk over 2KMs for their drinking water. It is convenient, safe and inspired by love. I cannot wait to meet every one of these smiling faces one day.

PS.

This little Goldilocks is 6 months old today!