Day 4 in our pilgrimage. One year after we introduced Eden to this world, we are left to retrace our steps- a pilgrimage through the 95 days of the year where we had all of our babies safe in our arms. Both blessing and curse, I wake up with reminders through Google photos on my phone, Facebook and Instagram of what I was doing one year ago. As if I need reminding.

We decided to have a party for our girl, just like we would have if she were toddling around our home. Balloons, cake, flowers and even planted a tree in our garden for her. It was right for us. It was important that we intentionally honored Eden on her birthday. That afternoon, with the girls we handed out wildflower seeds to stranger, and told them they were loved, and encouraged them to let love grow. Our love for Eden didn’t stop when she was taken from us, and we found this was a way we could share that.

The morning of her birthday party I had a thought come to me. Like my two older girls on their first birthday, I was mourning the fact that they were no longer my little baby. 1 year old! Walking, trying their first sugar, and discovering there little personalities that are forming. Everyone mourns the loss of their baby as they celebrate their 1st birthday. I obviously just don’t get the luxury of watching her grow.

At the party, I wrote this and shared it with everyone. It’s a good synopsis of how I have been feeling this birthday week.

Today I wanted to talk about the highs. Our low moments are plain to see or imagine. But the highs- and there are highs, are hidden, cryptic but life changing. I am forever struggling to find the words to accurately describe these highs, the lessons, mostly because they just don’t make sense in our current culture. For example, the biggest lesson I have learned is that pain can be a gift.

Embracing pain has been my biggest teacher, and the more I lean into it, the more I learn about God and His purpose. I know, it sounds backwards. But I believe God uses pain for His greater good more than he uses blessings (or what we perceive as blessings) I believe we are more likely to respond in alignment to His will as we experience pain. There is a deep awakening in great loss + pain. It reminds us of our fragility vulnerability and humanness. Just like you are bothered by the pebble in your shoe all the while completely oblivious to the organs and systems in your body that are all working flawlessly. It’s a matter of awareness. And it’s our nature to focus on and respond to the pain, even amidst the good. The awareness of our need for God is heightened in the bad times. I’ve always hated the term ” it was a God thing”. Everything is a God thing!!! Not just when things turn out in your favor. He is so much bigger than that. And we are so much smaller. God was in and all around the loss of Eden. Losing Eden was a God thing.

Romans 5 3-4 Not only that, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that Suffering produced perseverance, perseverance character, and character Hope.

Perseverance is rooted in Hope. We Persevere when we believe that what awaits us is worth the fight. I feel like in losing Eden I was given the unique opportunity to see my gospel fueled years of faith, indeed produce Christ like character in me. In my darkest moments I did not choose to shake my fist at my God, like I thought I would have. My hope in Him proved real when it needed to the most! As I fought in my faith over my lifetime it was indeed changing me from the inside, and it took a tragedy to prove worthwhile. Does that make sense? This is another gift I struggle to share with the world. Proof of authenticity of faith.

Gift 3, I’ve been given kingdom eyes. We are all called to look heavenward. Look up. Don’t be distracted by this world. Our treasure is in heaven. All these reminders that our life on earth is far less significant than we think. That real life begins in heaven. It took part of my current world going to heaven to allow my gaze to remain fix there, but never the less, there is stays. This is something particularly difficult to explain. I’ve mentioned a few times in my blog – because my own flesh, my baby, has moved on into the next life I can’t help but feel torn in two worlds. But maybe that’s how we were designed to begin with, and we’ve all just become distracted. We are aliens here, this isn’t home. We were created for more. Death, heaven and life’s purpose no longer seem so grand and so scary. I’ve been given the gift of a unique perspective and purpose- unable to distract myself from the fact that life here is so short, and our time must be spent wisely.

Now, as beautiful and life changing as these gifts are, would I rather just have my baby back? Yes. I look at other mothers and their little babies, who may be missing the ‘big picture’ that I claim to have clear view of- but I don’t consider myself luckier. I would rather stay in ignorant bliss and keep all my children in my arms. But that isn’t my race. I’m constantly reminding myself to not be distracted. My race is clearly marked out for me and this is all part of it. If I keep comparing and looking into the other lane at the race God chose for other mothers I will run off course. This is my race, and if I run it well, there is restoration.