Again I feel as if I cannot take credit for any concepts in this post. (Or the once youthful cliff jumping body I used to have) Although I have had many of these thoughts prior to reading about them, the validation behind them is from the research and experience of another.

I was told about a book called, “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine. The title alone sounded like scripture to me. I hesitated however because I know the author lost her husband. For some reason I assumed it would have little to do my unique situation.

I was wrong.

I find very little time to read these days, especially heavy and complicated topics like grief, so I was directed to a podcast of hers that really sums things up.

If I could get everyone who I will ever encounter to listen to this podcast or read that book, my journey would be a lot less bumpy. I cannot tell you how much I resonated with this concept of grief. Many things that she covered I have thought about and wrote about already. It led me to experience a lot of shame and awkwardness for feeling them. But apparently, I am not the first grieving person to have such feelings. (go figure).

Culture and Grief

I am forever surprised by how difficult it is for our culture to sit with pain. Our own pain and someone else’s. I believe that is at the core of the flaws I am about to cover. In the west, we don’t like to,

1.  Listen to pain
2.  Acknowledge pain

(I know I am guilty of these errors too, so no finger pointing here.)

First, I would like to talk about what people say that is well intended but NOT helpful. You might think, “Well its true!!” Be that as it may, it is still not helpful.

“At least you still have 2 beautiful daughters.”

True.

And not helpful.

So, terms like: “Move on” & “Let go” should be stripped from your lips when talking to someone grieving. It may help in other scenarios, but it doesn’t belong in loss. Move on from a toxic relationship. Let go of that person who stole your parking spot. But do not let go of, or move on from something that symbolizes love in your life. It is no less than cruel to suggest that to someone dealing with loss. Megan Devine talks about “Carry with” instead of the expectation of letting go and moving on. Because not only is it a healthier way of dealing with grief, it’s also the only option that is AT ALL POSSIBLE. I couldn’t let go of Eden or move on from her if I had a gun to my head. My own grandfather spoke to me about the 9mo baby brother he lost in 1940. He carried Kenneth with him for over 7 decades. And I am convinced my Great Grandmother carried his memory to her grave. We have no choice. Those great loves are integrated into us. We will carry them forever. It is impossible to move on or let go, so stop expecting it.

(FYI: No one has said those terms to me point blank, but they have certainly been the underlying agenda.) Megan said, check where you are standing before you say something to a grieving person. Are you coming from a place of acknowledgment or are you giving advice in attempts to fix or encouraging a “let it go, move on” agenda?

 

Comparing Grief

I must say, I have still never been offended by anything anyone has said to me since Eden died. So, let me preface this next point with, rest assured even if you are guilty of any of these things, it has not hurt me. I completely understand and feel the intention behind what you are trying to say, or how you are trying to connect with me.

There is a pesky desire for people to compare grief, loss or sadness. Like I said, I understand the good intention behind it. However, it is a feeble attempt to convince me that you ‘get it’.

“Yeah, when my uncle died, we were all devastated.”

“When I had my miscarriage…”

I can confidently say that probably 75% (or more) of the people whom I’ve encountered have done something this. “Since we are on the topic… my grandma died, or I know of someone who’s child died of Leukemia.” That is awful, but that’s not helping me. I am fully and painfully aware that people die, and that bad things happen. I don’t feel closer to you, or feel like you understand my pain, I just feel like you are shifting the focus from the person who is currently in pain, in hopes to make things less uncomfortable for yourself.

To prove Megan Devine’s idea that our culture is uncomfortable sitting with someone’s pain, these would really fall in line. If we feel drawn to say, Let go, move on or quickly shift the attention away from the hurting individual, then yes, it appears that we hate sitting with pain.

Other Options

I will make this simple. Acknowledge my pain.

Let me be broken, when I am indeed broken.

And OMG do not try to fix me. Our culture is a fix it culture. You cannot fix this situation. ( So don’t guilt yourself for being unable to) I can be healed, but not be fixed. Fixing gives the idea that you are ‘good as new’. Unfortunatly,  I will never go back to normal. That isn’t the endgame. Healing, for me is learning how to integrate losing Eden into my life as I continue on. How do I do that? How will that look? That is my endgame. Get over it, moving on and letting go mentalities only discourage my goal of figuring out a way of carrying this loss with me in a healthy manner. NO amount of cheerleading or encouragement can help me do that.

Acknowledge my pain. Fix it culture doesn’t belong in loss.

I believe this is why I feel an underlying need to defend my right to be sad. It’s such an odd thing, but I really feel it. An expectation that I should be “getting better”. My baby died 4 short months ago! Let me be sad. I may not show signs of healing for years!!

Co-Exist.

Let me quickly then jump into my next thought. Two conflicting feelings can coexist. I am sad. I am joyful. I am a grieving mother. I am a proud mother.

Let me have both, because I can be both.

Affirming my pain doesn’t mean you are denying the blessings in my life. They can coexist. I need the space to feel broken without people trying to fix me (when I am unfixable) or remind me of all the blessings I have in my life. It doesn’t help. I am thankful for the limitless blessings I have been given, and I am also devastated over the loss of my baby.

Let me have both.

 

 

https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/sounds-true-insights-at-the-edge/id307934313?mt=2&i=1000393054148