There will come a time

You see,

when love will not 

Break your heart

But dismiss your fears 

Get over your hill and see

What you find there

With grace in your heart 

And flowers in your hair. 

-After the storm by Mumford and Sons

 

I feel like this post is a rant. I am seeing how each week my posts evolve. I go from traumatized, to desperate, to hopeful, to hopeless, to insightful… and now I’m just annoyed. My life feels difficult, my counseling is difficult and my relationships are difficult. I don’t plan on giving up on any of them, but things have been tough. And no one gets it.

We arrived back in Vancouver last night after 10 days away. A few days in Phoenix and a week in Nuevo Vallarta. The resort was gorgeous, the weather was beautiful and the food was delicious. But due to a few factors (day light saving, pukey stomach flu and 2 hour time difference) our girls woke us up between 3 and 4am most mornings. To say they weren’t at their best is the understatement of the century. They are 2 and 3 years old, and so far the most challenging age. I felt like I was defusing a fit every 10min. If you don’t have children, or it has been a while, let me refresh your memory. Nap schedule, picky eating, whining, constant sunscreen, sun hat, shade, water intake, whining, potty training, pull ups, stomach flu, explosive diapers, more whining and forever complaining for a bottle or cell phone or show, all of which they aren’t allowed to have.

The last paragraph took an hour to type because of 4 different meltdowns. Toddlers are beyond demanding, unrealistic and unrelenting.

 

As Jerry Seinfeld once said, “Raising a toddler is like having a blender you dont have the top for.” In my case, make that two blenders. Full power, from sun up to sun down.

We decided to get professional photos taken on the beach. This was particularily difficult because of our little absentee. But to make matters worse my oldest was acting like a maniac off her meds. The photographer kept saying, “Say Chocolate!!!’ The girls immediately think they are getting chocolate and are freaking out! CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE!!!! WAAAAAAAA!!!!!

“Ok, everyone say ice cream!”

Oh my god buddy, stop saying chocolate and ice cream unless you have some in that camera bag of yours!!!! Aspen cried for ice cream and chocolate the entire hour. Out of 300 photos I believe there were maybe 2 where she wasn’t upset.

In each photo you can see in my eyes that my head is about to explode.

I would love to ‘be real’ and show you the less than perfect ones, but they were $35usd a photo. So you will see the brief glimpses of perfection. Enjoy.

 

Let me be sad

In the best of circumstances, it is difficult to travel with toddlers. Our family is experiencing the worst of circumstances. And although our family is experienced in travel, I must remind myself of our circumstances and allow a certain amount of grace and adjust my expectations. There are so many triggers that arise from day to day that take me back to the morning we lost Eden. Lately however, the triggers are shifting. I don’t know if I can accurately describe them, feelings are often so hard to explain, but I will try.

I am set off as soon as there is a “but” or “at least” statement spoken to me. I posted something on my Facebook that explains how you should just let those who are grieving, grieve. I have no time for, “ At least you have two healthy and beautiful daughters.” or “But we have the hope of heaven, and you will see her again.” These statements make my blood boil. I know it is all well intended, but it steals my right to be upset. You are supposed to be upset when your baby dies. There is no bright side. There is no cheering me up.

Yes, those statements are true, I am blessed to have Aspen and Cambria and yes, I will spend eternity with Eden. But it is like telling someone who has Cancer, “Well at least you don’t also have Alzheimer’s.” Ya, I guess so. Or like telling someone who lost their right arm, “At least you still have your left!” Thanks for pointing that out. Any other painfully obvious statements you wish to bring to my attention. Al-Qaeda is bad? Tacos are delicious? Sweet, moving on.

I am very aware that in the midst of tragedy, things can always get worse. But if you think pointing that out, or insisting I look on the bright side, is helpful, it is not. Brene Brown mentions that overly optimistic and happy behaviors amid personal struggle are just as concerning as overly dark and cynical behaviors. It’s not a matter of perspective. There is no spinning this. I am allowed to be sad. (Believe me when I say, I am trying to convince myself of this more than anything.)

Inaccurate

This morning I felt like taking down all my photos from this vacation. The down side of sharing on social media is opening yourself up to people’s interpretation. I posted photos of us smiling, playing in the pool, and enjoying the resort. I didn’t post photos of Aspen puking 50+ times the days leading up to it, or the tantrums or the moments I lost my cool. I guess I am triggered by people’s optimistic response to what our life appears to look like. It is not accurate. I guess it is my fault for portraying our world incorrectly.

I feel like shouting, “Just because we went on a vacation doesn’t mean anything is better!!!” We could win the lottery, pick up and move to Hawaii and live off pineapples and rum, and we would still be missing our baby Eden. We are blessed to be able to go on a vacation, I must realize that. But I guess I just have this odd fear that people are going to start thinking that things are better, when they are not. Months have passed, we got to spend time as a family, got to get away, we shared photos of moments where we are happy. I am afraid people are expecting something from us, that just isn’t there. I don’t feel the need to convince the world how miserable I am. But I am certainly triggered when people make comments to the contrary.

Before and After

I always hated the simplicity of the classic before and after shots. Left photo, fatty. Right photo, ripped. Because any major transformation in life goes from a quick and painless ‘A-Z’ right?

Not Quite.

Those two photos aren’t fair. They are misleading, false advertizing. Let’s see the photos of that guy getting up at 4am for a deadly workout leaving him dry heaving. Let’s see the moments where you have to sip cucumber water at a hockey game while all your friends eat nachos and drink beer. Months of dedication, set backs, sacrifices. If those glimpses were added to the before and after line up, you may not be so quick to sign up for that meal plan, and gym membership etc.

So I guess I am part of the problem. I want so badly for this blog to be the terrible glimpeses in between the before and after shots. A peek into where the transformation really happens. I want to be realistic and authentic. But lately I feel like I am just being aimless, pessimistic and pathetic.