Nathan and I haven’t been to a movie in years. The lifestyle of uncomfortable pregnancies, newborns, and chasing toddlers doesn’t lend itself to finding the time or energy to put on pants and go out after 8pm. Telus had a promotion about two years ago where we received two free movies passes. We finally used them tonight. I’m sure we had the opportunity to redeem them a few times in the past couple of years, but I wanted to wait till it was something I really wanted to see.

When I saw the trailer for First Man (the story of Neil Armstrong), I was intrigued. Totally up my alley, and no, not just because of Ryan Gosling. I avoid TV and music for the most part knowing that I am sensitive, a ticking time bomb if you will. A space movie seemed safe. So off we went. Finally a date night, and finally a movie we were equally excited to see!

I will do what I can not to ruin any major parts of the movie, but spoiler alert, he lands on the moon. Just like the movie Titanic, we all knew that ship was going to sink, like I knew Neil would walk on the surface of the Moon, but Hollywood dug deeper. I soon forgot about the mission, and instead was drawn into the main characters heart, his broken heart. It all began to make sense.

In the first 5 minutes of the movie it shows the Armstrong’s burying their 2-year-old daughter, baby Karen. She died of complications with pneumonia because of a brain tumor. Seriously!? I signed up for a scienctifically accurate, calculated type of movie where no emotion could possibly be conjured up. But life isn’t like that.

Just when I thought I would have nothing in common with this brave and brilliant astronaut from the 60’s, both Nathan and I immediately felt a deep soul connection. As he stood there over his daughters’ coffin, final moments with Eden raced through my mind, I get it buddy. It was after Karen’s death that he was selected NASA’s astronaut program. He was all in. He was incredibly focused and driven. I couldn’t help but think it’s amazing what a human will do in the effort to avoid grief, and accept that regardless of your efforts, death won. The crippling reminder of the absence of control. It is as if he were thinking, I cannot face this reality, so I will focus on going to the moon. Maybe I can control that, and it will make this whole thing right again.

Temporary Citizen of Earth

I haven’t spoken on this next topic, because it is desperately hard to interpret, but I will do my best. As soon as Eden left this world it was blatantly obvious that I didn’t belong here. Not in a suicidal way (see, it’s hard to explain) but it was obvious that my soul wasn’t created to be a citizen of Earth. I am an expat. My soul yearns for Heaven, not just because Eden will be waiting for me with open loving arms, but because I was designed that way, we all are. I am sure that sensation has always been there, but Earth is forever distracting us. Raised a Christian, I have heard the concept of our citizenship being in Heaven. But only after losing Eden was is so painfully clear. Our world is all wrong. Death is all wrong. My perspective of this life, and my role in it immediately changed. Life is so temporary, and SO many things don’t matter anymore.

The silence of space would have been a unique therapy. Given the rare opportunity to leave this Earth would spark the attention of any grieving parent. The man wanted to explore beyond his perception of this world. Because when you lose a child, everything is upside-down. Like breathing water. Everything you knew and trusted was taken in an instant. Neil’s perspective changed, a crisis within his very soul led him to reach for the Moon. There was something beyond the physical that he had to make sense of.

Throughout the movie you can ever so slightly see a shift. He is calculated, its all about numbers and data. But as Project Gemini and Apollo move forward, his colleagues are dropping like flies one by one. Space exploration is a dangerous business. No matter how many times you run the numbers- there is an element of risk. At one point in the movie Neil’s stressed and anxious wife shouts at the Director of NASA after he assures her that they have everything under control, “You’re a bunch of boys making models out of balsa wood! You don’t have anything under control!” And isn’t that the truth. No one at NASA wants to hear that, but it’s true. They were all taking colossal risks, risks that have taken young and brilliant people too soon. It goes to show the burning desire for mankind to reach for something that is beyond us.

Neil seems to slowly surrender to the idea of risk and control. As reckless as it may seem, Neil had nothing to lose. Life after your child dies is so incredibly unique, I never expect anyone to understand it. He surrendered to the absence of control, and just went for it. He could die of pneumonia or die reaching for the Moon. He did it for her. What started as a distraction in his grief journey, eventually defined his grief journey.  When it shows him standing on the Moon, looking at its rocky, bleak landscape, I wondered what he was feeling. Was he disappointed? Was he searching for something after he lost his baby that he thought he would find if only he could reach for the Moon and succeed?

I wish I knew what he felt.

In anything I have done in honor of Eden, I’ve feel an emptiness. Nothing really helps. I worked hard on a garden this fall, in an attempt to honor her. I go to her grave with love notes and flowers. I put my jumbled emotions into words for everyone to read in my blog, but at the end of the day it doesn’t change anything. There is no earthly solution to a celestial matter. And now we know, there is no solution on the Moon either. No matter how far we reach, we can not undo what has been done, and we cannot regain control.

At the end of the movie it shows the now famous couple, Neil Armstrong and Janet Armstrong. They are staring blankly into each other’s eyes after Apollo 11’ s successful mission. I said to myself, “This is a story about two people, dealing with the dark and confusing loss of their child, and in the meantime, one just happened to go to the Moon.”