On August 3rd, 2018 we had Eden Alexandria’s Celebration of Life. It was held at Northview Community Church in Abbotsford BC, Canada.

It only seemed suitable that I would deliver the eulogy. She was only 3 months after all. No one knew her better. When I walked into that sanctuary that day, everything became real, all at once. I saw that photo of her, that you see on the header. This should be her dedication sunday, not her memorial. No mother should live that moment.

I saw a thin blonde woman standing up at the front looking at all the photos and flowers. I thought, “huh, the church must have hired a cute intern.” When she turned around I realized it was my childhood best friend who I hadn’t seen in 10 years. With 4 small children at home she bought a flight from Saskatoon to Abbotsford on the Friday of a long weekend. (Not cheap) That was one moment that will stay with me forever. I was so touched to have her there. Even though it had been years since we had reconnected, she knows me and I need that. There was no awkwardness or wondering what say. It was obvious we were both so happy to see each other, but so devastated over the circumstance that brought us back together.

Over 300 people attended Eden’s memorial. People came from all over Canada, even Texas and South Carolina. Not the best way to kick off their mid-summer long weekend, but my people showed up for me, and I will never forget that.

Those days before the memorial were a blur. I had five days to put it together. Not to say I didn’t have a ton of help, but the concept of her being gone was still so painfully fresh and continued to be for months. It seems cruel and unnecessary to expect a mourning family to pull something like that off. I, however, knew that we all needed answers, community and clarity in such a painful and confusing time. People wanted to see us. It had to happen as soon as possible in circumstances as such.

Day 3 after her death I began to write. C.S. Lewis says, “God Whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but SHOUTS in our pain.” Isn’t that the truth. Nathan and I both felt an odd peace in the middle of that storm. Don’t get me wrong, I cried all night and didn’t eat for days. But in the center of it all was a supernatural peace, a supernatural calm. I knew I had to get something profound and unique across to my fellow grievers. I was able to get a large portion of these feelings into words, those nights before the funeral.

I have included the words I spoke at the funeral, highlighted below. I wish I had the words to explain the journey God took me on in order to piece those thoughts and feelings together, and express them to my peers. It was a defining experience. Please read. Please watch.

Earlier this week I said to Nathan,

“I think in turbulent times there are 2 reactions one could have. Either you can grasp so tightly onto the things of this world (fear), or you can loosen your grip (surrender).”

I surprised myself with this thought. It was at the foundation of my thoughts for months already, yet I had never been able to articulated it. When Eden left me so suddenly, I had no choice but to reevaluate everything I thought I knew. This wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. I let go of what I thought it meant to be human.

I could not make sense of this catastrophe on a human level, so I decided it must only be explained in a realm I currently do not have access to. Continually the Bible talks about fixing your gaze heavenward, not loving the things of this world, for the spiritual realm is far greater and of more significance than we know.

Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on things above, not on things of Earth.

The Message translation says, “Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ – that’s where the action is. See things from Christ’s perspective.”

This nightmare can only make sense in God’s perspective. So what else can a grieving mother do? Let go of my world. In yoga, postures where you plant your hands to the ground, my instructor often says, “push the earth away from you.” I love that line. It reminds me to do just that. Set my gaze heavenward and push the earth away. Embrace only the things that matter.

My husband and children are everything to me. They are a gift. They are not something to be pushed away. Although, finding my identity and worth in my role as wife and mother is something I need to battle against. It is so easy to fall into that, since it defines every hour of the day in these early years. But this experience is teaching me that my identity needs to be rooted in something greater, something that cannot be taken away. When Eden went to heaven, it was a sobering reminder that – had I lost all my children, or if Nathan were to die, my identity as a mother or wife would simply vanish. If that identity were my only source of self-worth, then that source has a fragile foundation.

I encourage anyone reading this to think about the source of your self-worth, and if it is enmeshed in your identity as a mother, father, husband or wife. Those roles are temporary when we consider eternity. Let’s find a stronger source.

I encourage you to watch the recording of Eden’s Memorial below. Nathan and I start speaking at the 11:50 minute mark. The slide show starts at 30:45 (Thank you Tatiana!)

Below are the words that I shared:

Brittany’s Tribute to Eden

Let me start by saying I am simply overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from pretty much everyone I have ever met in my life. I am absolutely blown away by my community’s response to this tragedy. Although everyone says “there are no words” it doesn’t matter, the fact that you reached out is so cherished, and your continual prayers are being heard. They are the only thing carrying us. Please keep praying for us and the girls.

Today I am giving a tribute to my littlest baby Eden Alexandria. I knew I had to be the one who gave this tribute. She is MY baby. An extension of me. A product of the love we have for each other. No one knew her like her mama did. She graced this world for only 3 short months, but she was occupied my heart since the moment I found out I was pregnant. We loved her for 9 months + 3 months and will forever.

Nathan and I were unsure about having a third baby. It was something we had discussed and prayed about since Cambria was born. It came down to the fact that, I had great pregnancies, great deliveries, and we made beautiful babies. Why stop? Luckily God knit her in my womb on the first shot, before we could change our minds.

We decided to stay 2 days in the hospital after she was born. Not that we needed to. When you have 2 toddlers waiting for you at home, the hospital may as well be a 5 star resort. My time there consisted of Friends coming to visit, bringing me Starbucks, breakfast lunch and dinner delivered to me in bed, free pain killers every 3 hours – but best of all, I had my new baby all to myself. I knew that the second I got home real life would begin, and time to dote on my newborn would be limited. I didn’t let her go. I held her in my arms and walked her around the maternity ward, showing her off to anyone who looked at me. We named our baby girl Eden which mean paradise, and for those 2 days that’s exactly what our hospital room was. She was our little slice of paradise. Our only concern. We were the only 3 people in the world.

When we left for the hospital the trees in our yard hadn’t blossomed yet. But I gasped when we drove up to the house with new baby Eden. Our lilacs were bursting! Purple flowers just dripping off our tree. I will never forget that. I thought, lilacs will be her flower, represent when she entered our family. I was looking up flower symbolism last night for this and purple lilacs symbolize the first emotions of love, and youthful innocence.

I kept a journal specifically for Eden. Last night I just read, When Eden is in her bouncy chair, I slowly walk up to her and put my face right in front of hers and watch her slowly recognize her mamas face. She smiles so big, I wrote it makes my heart flutter, like I am falling in love. She gave me lots of heart flutters.

Eden first smiled at 6 weeks. And ever since then if she wasn’t sleeping, she was smiling. She would smile with her whole face. Her eyes would light up, then a little grin, then a full wide open mouth smile. She just went for it with her big Doubroff mouth. Every morning the girls would smother Eden with kisses and ask to hold her. She was their real life dolly. Eden loved the attention. They were never gentle with her, even though that’s all I ever said for 3 months, gentle gentle gentle. But Eden never got upset. She was a dream baby. She truly was! If you ever saw me with her, you probably noticed I loved to kiss her little mouth. She was like a little birdy. I’ve always loved my daughters baby mouths. Before they get their teeth, and when it’s still socially acceptable, I just get my fill of big open mouth kisses on those precious little lips. Because once they get teeth they just bite me.

With Eden I was very intentional that she wasn’t overlooked as the third child. I wanted her to have a baby shower, a few new items that were especially for her, I filled out everything I could in her baby book, even printed out photos for it and glued in her ultrasound pictures. Her picture was hanging on the wall along with her sisters by the time she was 8 weeks old. I was on it. She wasn’t getting the short end of the stick with me in charge. I even hired our babysitter to come 2 days a week to entertain Aspen and Cambria just so I could have one on one time with Eden. Moments I am now so so very grateful I made priority.

Nathan and I love all 3 of our daughters fiercely. We do whatever we could do to show them love in every way. The way we speak, play, sing to them, share new experiences with them, love is the driving force. 3 under 3 was a challenge, but we dove right in. You all probably witnessed that. We enjoyed every aspect. There was so much beautiful chaos between nap schedules, play dates, home renos, potty training, etc etc, but once the 2 crazies were in bed, and it was just Eden and I in her nursery rocking in her rocking chair the chaos faded and the flutters overwhelmed my heart. She was my paradise.

No one wants to wake up on the morning of their daughter’s funeral. I am living every mother’s worst nightmare. I am tormented by the what ifs and the terror of what we experienced that morning. No one deserves to endure that kind of trauma.

I was reading through Genesis looking up references to Eden I read about when Cain killed Able he was exiled out of paradise East of Eden. Cursed, a restless wanderer, forever separate from God. That is where I am. East of Eden.

I know it’s not normal for the mother to speak at their child’s memorial. Its raw and ugly… but its real. I feel like I am at a 10 out of 10 for human suffering. And although I feel cursed exiled, a restless wanderer, I will never be separated from God.

If you know me at all you know I don’t cling to falsehoods, I can’t stand empty Christian talk or meaningless “I am praying for you, all in gods timing” blah blah blah. If I believe in something it’s because I have tested it. So listen to me. This is coming from a place of emptiness but clarity. It is up to you. Please cling to our anchor the Lord Jesus Christ in the Storm. DO NOT LET MY DAUGHTERS LEGACY BE THE THING THAT HARDENED YOUR HEART. This is happening to ME. She was MY baby. Why he had to take my baby I will work out with God through the valley I am about to walk through. But if I can stand here and declare that not only does God still exist, but is Good, than you can too. You have to! Let my daughters passing be the thing that calls you to greatness, draws you close to God, realign your priorities. Let my daughters legacy be one of LOVE and commitment to Jesus.

People keep asking what they can do to help me. Do this. Hold your loved ones tight. Commit your life to your family and God.