“When the child you love leaves this world, the grief process is like pregnancy in reverse. You begin at the ring of fire and you move backward. You don’t work up to the worst–you start there, gripped by spasms of agony so fierce you cry out horrifically and come physically undone.”
Levi Lusko – Through the Eyes of a Lion
My name is Brittany Doubroff. I am from Abbotsford, British Columbia. My husband Nathan and I are parents of 3 daughters: Aspen 3, Cambria 2, and Eden (citizen of Heaven.) She would be 5 months tomorrow. We are obediently charging forward into a grief journey, my most hideous nightmares couldn’t have predicted.On July 28th 2018, we put our baby Eden Alexandria down to sleep for the night, happy and healthy. At some point in the night Jesus took our little girl home. Apparently her 95 days were up.
That passage from Through the Eyes of a Lion, by Levi Lusko really jumped out at me. Memories of labour pains were a not so distant memory after only 3 months.
I was prepared for labor with all three of my daughters. I focused on the fact that my body was made for this. God designed me, a woman, and capable of delivering a baby (one way or another). Yes, the pain is excruciating, but its natural and I was DESIGNED for this. Not only that, but I was working towards a goal. The best goal one could work towards. A baby. A new life. An extension of me. A sibling for my girls. PUSHHHHHHH… Its all worth it in the end!
So yes the parallel is correct in the fact that the first hour after my baby leaves this world is painful like the last moments of labour. But the jury is out on whether my body was designed for this. No one should be designed for this. Destiny couldn’t be so cruel. And without the hope of a grand prize at the end, I feel utterly lost among the waves of pain and ever-present emptiness.
So is all hope lost? Is there really no goal, no grand prize to fix my weary gaze upon?
Only those who know suffering can relate to this next thought. I believe that in the eye of the storm is when a profound awakening occurs. It is what I have called real life in the past. I remember opening up to my counselor Dave, after about a year of seeing him following my divorce (8 years ago), explaining that I missed the desperate times. Now that I am out of the dark valley of hurt and betrayal, I find I am looking back on the hard times fondly! Whats that all about?!
I remember this well. He told me exactly why I was feeling this way. “You aren’t a drama queen, you didn’t thrive off the chaos and attention it brought. Instead, you found yourself in a unique place where every decision you made, every conversation you had, and every prayer you offered up was pivotal.” It was true. It was the most formative time in my life. I felt God more than I ever thought possible. I had no choice but to CLING to Him as my anchor. If your anchor doesn’t hold, you are at risk of being carried out to sea or crashed against the rocky shoreline.
So now, in the wake of yet another tragedy, I am again feeling every part of the human experience.
Real life.
Will. My. Anchor. Hold?
It did last time. And like I said at Eden’s memorial, I’ve tested it. God is our rock and redeemer. He grieves along side of me. My anchor WILL hold.
So, back to my initial question. Is all hope lost? Is there no grand prize after enduring these ‘labor pains’ of grief?
Stay with me…
Hope isn’t lost. There is a gift.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
That is a heavy verse that I have committed to memory probably 20 years ago. It only now makes sense. And I fear that no matter how I follow-up that verse, I cannot breathe life into its real meaning. Only until you suffer, and I mean suffer…does this seem to ring true. God is drawing me in and holding me close. That is the gift. That is my goal. Ultimately that should be everyone’s goal. Only in catastrophe does ones priorities get a major shift.
So let me end with this. The final thoughts from my tribute to Eden at her memorial.
If I can stand here and declare that not only does God still exist, but is Good, than you can too. You have to! Let my daughters passing be the thing that calls you to greatness, draws you close to God, realign your priorities. Let my daughters legacy be one of LOVE and commitment to Jesus.
People keep asking me what they can do to help me…
Do this…
Hold your loved ones close. Commit your life to God, for HE IS LOVE.
Eden's Garden 
I’m thanking God for giving you the strength to share your struggle during this grieving process. Continuing to pray for you and your family.
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Thank you for reading and praying 😉
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Oh Brittney, I love how you have challenged us all to commit our lives to God , not just for today , but for the rest of our lives, for He is indeed LOVE! You and your beautiful family will continue to be in my prayers and pray God will continue to walk beside you each and every day!
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Thank you for supporting us Barb
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This is beautiful. I cry with you while I read your words and I feel inspired as I listen to your heart. Thank you for sharing ❤
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Dear Brittany! I love that you have chosen to allow God to still be your anchor in the midst of such a sad loss. But we know it is not really a loss as you know exactly where she is! My heart continues to ache for you and Nate as you process all this. You have been given a unique gift of being able to express your inner most thoughts and feelings. Thank you for allowing all of us to be a part of your grief process! We love you and continue to hold you all up in our prayers!🙏❤️
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Thank you Aunty Max!! Feeling your prayers xo
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Sweet, Strong Brittany: Thank you for stewarding this unspeakable loss by speaking about it. You are both tender and strong – like a reed in a storm. I know that God IS good, even when terrible things happen. And I know that HE is the ONE who will heal you and who is redeeming all of our brokenness.
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I get it. Every single word written. Very well written, warrior Mamma. My citizen in heaven is 10.5 years old. God is good and will see you through.
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Oh Sylvie. It’s it’s tragically comforting when I know someone ‘gets it’. He is good, and we will dance one day with those heavenly citizens.
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Yes! I have that imagery all the time. 💃
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This is so beautiful Britt. I feel so inspired by your words and your belief in god even through everything. Thanks for sharing your journey as I’m sure it isn’t easy. We love you guys.
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Beautiful words and the reminder of the gifts of the darkness. Amazing how the spirit of a child moves us while on the physical plane or spiritual. I am sure Eden will always be your place of peace…here or there (perhaps there is no seperation). I am no stranger to loss (non of that compare to the loss of a child) but i do know if we trust the universe will always show us the way through. Hugs
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Thanks for reading and supporting sweetie!!
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You are an amazing writer, Brittany. Thanks for sharing your journey with us and letting God use you in this way.
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Thank you for reading Lindsay!
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Very well said. I get it too! My citizen in heaven is 10.4yrs this month. It was an honour to work behind the scenes at your daughters memorial. I pray for you and Nate daily!
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Thank you Diana. I had no idea! Even more reason to look forward to eternity. (I never want to seem morbid or suicidal lol) But we have even more reason to seek first his kingdom
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You, a woman of God and faith is the most strongest and resilient woman I have read in a long time. Your post has encouraged my heart to take a breath and love the chaos that children brings. You have provoked a fire yearning in my heart to dig deeper to the father up above. Thank you! I’d love to follow your blog regularly. You speak true and honest words. We all need more people like you in our lives. Great blog!!!
Andrea xo
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Thanks for reading Andrea!! I’m so happy you were able to take away from my writings and experience. Happy to have you along for the ride.
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I already posted but needed to edit my email address…see above please.
Andrea
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This is beyond emotional to read. I met you pregnant in the playplace in Abbotsford, I had gone to school with Nathan’s during his internship at Southgate. I am pregnant now with my 5th, and I can’t imagine going through this. You are so right about realigning priorities and I have had to dig deep lately and now more than ever realize that the toughest times is when I need to draw close to God. I appreciate this message so much and just wanted you all to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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I remember meeting you! Congratulations on your pregnancy! The biggest wake up call was Eden’s new citizenship. We are all here temporarily. My eyes are focused heavenward more than ever. I am writing more on that mindset for the weeks to come.
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Jesus showed me once when I felt every fiber of my existences wanting to explode into a million pieces all over everyone and everything that NOT only was HE holding me tight but like a balloon you’ve just blown up but have yet to tie off you release the air slowly. Because if you just let it go it will fly helter skelter all over the place. So HE said I hold you like that balloon and allow your suffering to come out in small amounts so you wont hurt yourself or others. Now I must say sufferings like yours and the personal ones for myself didnt feel gentle as they release. We really do die a bit with them but as time has rolled on by I can now look back with massive relief that I knew HIM in those times. Iam so grateful for your words beautifully written and shared that truth is the only sane healthy way to contend with such an enormous journey is by standing solid on HIS words with HIM. I know you will learn to live with abd without her in a truly peacefilled way and this kind of sharing will be a blessing to many. Hugs to you all in my prayers Teresa
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Yes… Thank you Teresa. I’m so glad you could follow my journey. I’d love to chat soon!
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